I am a food porn addict

I have to stop my obsession with cooking shows on television. I recently subscribed to that nonsense of paying for television just so I could have my food porn. I blame Matt Preston, as I do for a number of things, and Pete Evans, who I can never be cross at. (Must remind him he is taking me fishing).

Food porn is an interesting thing – people find me a little odd, given that I can happily watch Nigella massage a headless dead featherless chicken near to orgasm, that Jamie can lift my skirt just from the fact that he will cook something a bit offally, and every time Heston Blumenthal comes on to the box, I am stiff in the undies.

My obsession for food porn needs to be dealt with and I am off to my FP group. Hello, my name is Pete and I am a food porn addict.

It is funny using food and porn in the same sentence, given the orgy of indulgence that was Easter. People munching chocolate until their faces and leggings expanded beyond belief, and others pretending that they don’t care for Easter but are secreting away bilbys and Lindt rabbits to eat when the other half is at work or on the loo.

There is a point... Masterchef 2 is about to begin on the box. 50 hopeful Julie Goodwins, or Poh Ling Yeows are lining up to see if they, as ever the bridesmaids must in reality TV, win the second series. (2 lindt bunnies to anyone who remembers the winners of Big Brother 2 or the Biggest Loser 2). Not enough guts to enter the first one, but seeing the success of those contestants from series 1 has allowed them to gather the gumption to have a go now. Good for them and C list celebrity invites I say.

There will be 14 Vics and 14 NSW’s among the many and no doubt, the rivalry will continue through this series. My money is on a young male Victorian (the antithesis of last years winner.)

Entries have been called for Junior Masterchef, and of course we saw super sexy swimmer Eamon Sullivan take home the gong for the celebrity show last year. All I need now is Masterchef up late, Masterchef uncut and Masterchef Survivor. That should cure my aforementioned addiction to food porn.

I was a recent viewer of My Kitchen Rules. I was blogging for a while, annoyed at the sniping queen from Adelaide, loving eventual winners, Veronica and Shadi, and mourning that the title wasn’t taken by Victorians - are they/are they not Clint and Noah. The title should have gone to a Vic couple as we simply have the best food in the world – parochial much?

What did annoy me is that Pete Evans became a sanitised version of himself, and Manu, whilst shedding pounds by the dozen, was allowed to shine. Stand by for the book, the inevitable advertising of paper towels and perhaps a mixed tape not unlike Mr Prestons offering following Masterchef 1.

Matt is up for a Logie award in a few weeks and so is the show. I think this says something about a need for good food on the television to keep us from all becoming fat bastards. The Biggest Loser is there to help we over indulgent once we have cooked and eaten everything in sight. Masterchef is there to inspire us to cook well, and with fresh seasonal produce and it has done that. It broke all sorts of ratings records and has boys and girls cooking croquembouche and ceviche when they could never as much as spelled them.

I love that there is food porn on the tele – I love that Heston and Nigella and Jamie and all of those cooking types are inspiring people to cook and eat, and I love that the bar is being set higher and higher every time I go to some one else’s house to dine.

My name is Pete and I am a food porn addict ...... and I am more than happy to remain so.

More My Kitchen Rules - Hello, Victoria?

What is wrong Victoria?

We are the home of good food in this country and yet, we have managed to scrape those couples in by the skin of their gorgeous (Noah and Clint) and ranga (Rowan and Sophie) butts.

Firstly to the Queenslanders last night ... how can you not love these two? They are so sweet, and clearly in love, and that is what presented itself on the plate – a whole bunch of love. Is it this group of couples that are the nice ones, after the bitchy, nasty ones that preceded them? I think so.

Awmygawdveronica could have gotten annoying but Shadi seemed to worship the ground she walks on. Cheesy a bit – maybe but they had it right – simple.... the KISS principle of Keep It Simple Stupid seems to work in this competition.

They are cheesy and pleasant, and I think they deserved the scores they got. Pete Evans, my man crush is dissipating. You are a dynamic, handsome, cheeky SOB but you seem so wet.... do I blame the producers? Maybe, but I know you and I want more of you and less Ita Buttrose. Be you man – that’s why we love you.

Now to Victoria tonight – what is there to say that hasn’t been tweeted, facebooked and commented on at water coolers around the country already? This menu looked amazing, the table was beautiful but, sadly, cracked under pressure. I wasn’t there to see it or taste it but that fish – Hello.. Revolting!! You can’t cook fish that early in the piece or treat food with such disrespect.

I wanted to eat that pigeon or have Pete feed it to me with his hands. It looked great and being a huge fan of the taro after living in the Pacific islands, I wanted that as well. I think 8 and 7 were great scores.

I think you were ripped off with dessert. To create a solution to a problem like you had ... I don’t know that I could have thought that up so quickly. Snaps for that!!

Ben and Deb – well he is hot, she is a cougar and the relationship looks fraught. However, they made a huge mistake in camp food – please leave to us queens. Its restaurant people – think of what you want on your plate.

So next week ... the girls from WA. I want to be there. They seem delightful and I think they will surprise the teams from elsewhere. Nothing like the pair of Queensland slappers in the first group and I think we can look forward to a bit of class and elegance.

I was going to swear off MKR after the first group of couples as there was little, apart from Noah and Clint, that gave me any inspiration. Maybe I am not so sworn off it now.

Let’s see what next week holds and whether my feeble attention can be held for more than 10 minutes.

My Kitchen Rules - again. Really?

Pete Evans and Manu Fieldel – you are so saving My Kitchen Rules for me with all of that lovely pervy goodness... but I digress.

Two Queensland girls who really should be cooking in a child care centre – sorry it sounds harsh but what were they thinking. Entree of a tasting plate – it looked good and I think I could almost smell it. I am loathe to make this comment but what the hell is with the frangipani overload? Please someone remind them that less is more before I throw up!

The entree did really look good and I would have inhaled it – four types of fresh seafood – all nicely prepared and kept with the essence of the seafood leading and everything else dancing in time. I think they did okay there but am over those bitchy South Australians and their caustic comments. Rude people, rude!

The lamb looked like it was in the oven for ever and then thrown from the other side of the room onto the plate. I think a simple sauce or jus might have helped soak up some of that rice – a few slow roasted cherry tomatoes just will not cut it ladies. Think about flavour and texture combinations next time.

Dessert was a disaster and for them to have been scored a 7 by each judge is a travesty of diabolical proportions – Pete and Manu – it had split!!! Rule number 1 with a gelatinised dessert – don’t let the bugger split! You can dress up a something but if it is not right, it is still a bloody something. A slurp of fresh fruit and a dollop of sabayon do not a dessert make.

Back to the bitchy South Australians again. They are so nasty I almost like them and god only knows what the hell sort of theatre restaurant event they are going to try and pull off with their ‘themed’ dinner parties. Looking at both of them, Witches in Britches comes to mind.

Tomorrow night I am waiting for that awful man from WA to cock up – the forward promos show that he is clearly going to lose the plot and with the snide comments made to his partner tonight, I reckon he looks like a complete asshole. I doubt I will be dissuaded on that idea tomorrow night.

This is still lightweight television really and I am looking forward to this first round being over so we might see some real challenges and less bloody ordinary suburban food. Pray that it happens sooner rather than later please.

I need a lie down – and a banana paddle pop.

If Seven really wants to get this right and challenge Master Chef, I hope like stink that they will get it right soon before I am tempted to hurt myself whilst watching it.

My Kitchen Rules or does it?

So, two nights into one of the most hyped food programs going around, second only to Master Chef of course ... and what do I think?
Firstly it is heading the way of most reality programs with bitchy contestants and the added bonus of some Bogans from north of all east coast borders. I get frustrated when reality television sets up people to look bad and South Australia, you are looking real bad.

The first night – NSW offered their best, which was not so exciting for me. Steak and Mash with a few beans, some seared barramundi and a lime cheesecake. There is not much there that excites the palate or inspires.

Tonight, the boys from Victoria strutted their stuff. Now what a handsome pair to start with – and there is the age old question. Are they just housemates or am I just a pervy bugger?

Their menu was too starchy – risotto and pasta as the two feature courses. I like the idea of the lobster risotto but some truffle oil will never a truffle make. The flavour, the texture and the absolute decadence of the truffle can never be matched by oil that is inferior in all ways. Bad mistake fellas.

Then to pasta that wasn’t cooked properly. There are kids that know how to cook pasta whether it is home made or store bought. Its a simple equation that sadly really let them down.

Thanks Christ for chocolate cake – the way to most people’s hearts is by the humble cacao bean and the offerings it produces. But, not for me. However, a total saving grace as it was put together beautifully. I am not convinced these two will make it.

What comes next? A couple of middle aged sisters from Queensland who seem to be lacking a few graces and one can only imagine what they will serve. The frangipani flowers behind the ears in the trailer are enough to make me very scared for next Monday.

Then there is WA – a state and people I am quite fond of. I am not fond, however, of the pair of teachers who seem to think that there is a certain solar presence emanating from somewhere in the downstairs department.

Now.... South Australia. If ever I saw a pair of trumped up, self obsessed wankers, that award goes to this pair. He appears to be a snotty little queen (and being a gay man, I have met on or two of those). The female of the pair strike me as a complete bitch. There, I said it.

I am sure I will get sucked into this show because I know that if there is food on the box, I will watch it. But as Pete Evans has suggested on tonight’s show, they need to aim a little higher.

To date it is ordinary television, infused with some particularly cheesy music to build drama, of which there is none.