More My Kitchen Rules - Hello, Victoria?

What is wrong Victoria?

We are the home of good food in this country and yet, we have managed to scrape those couples in by the skin of their gorgeous (Noah and Clint) and ranga (Rowan and Sophie) butts.

Firstly to the Queenslanders last night ... how can you not love these two? They are so sweet, and clearly in love, and that is what presented itself on the plate – a whole bunch of love. Is it this group of couples that are the nice ones, after the bitchy, nasty ones that preceded them? I think so.

Awmygawdveronica could have gotten annoying but Shadi seemed to worship the ground she walks on. Cheesy a bit – maybe but they had it right – simple.... the KISS principle of Keep It Simple Stupid seems to work in this competition.

They are cheesy and pleasant, and I think they deserved the scores they got. Pete Evans, my man crush is dissipating. You are a dynamic, handsome, cheeky SOB but you seem so wet.... do I blame the producers? Maybe, but I know you and I want more of you and less Ita Buttrose. Be you man – that’s why we love you.

Now to Victoria tonight – what is there to say that hasn’t been tweeted, facebooked and commented on at water coolers around the country already? This menu looked amazing, the table was beautiful but, sadly, cracked under pressure. I wasn’t there to see it or taste it but that fish – Hello.. Revolting!! You can’t cook fish that early in the piece or treat food with such disrespect.

I wanted to eat that pigeon or have Pete feed it to me with his hands. It looked great and being a huge fan of the taro after living in the Pacific islands, I wanted that as well. I think 8 and 7 were great scores.

I think you were ripped off with dessert. To create a solution to a problem like you had ... I don’t know that I could have thought that up so quickly. Snaps for that!!

Ben and Deb – well he is hot, she is a cougar and the relationship looks fraught. However, they made a huge mistake in camp food – please leave to us queens. Its restaurant people – think of what you want on your plate.

So next week ... the girls from WA. I want to be there. They seem delightful and I think they will surprise the teams from elsewhere. Nothing like the pair of Queensland slappers in the first group and I think we can look forward to a bit of class and elegance.

I was going to swear off MKR after the first group of couples as there was little, apart from Noah and Clint, that gave me any inspiration. Maybe I am not so sworn off it now.

Let’s see what next week holds and whether my feeble attention can be held for more than 10 minutes.

My Kitchen Rules - again. Really?

Pete Evans and Manu Fieldel – you are so saving My Kitchen Rules for me with all of that lovely pervy goodness... but I digress.

Two Queensland girls who really should be cooking in a child care centre – sorry it sounds harsh but what were they thinking. Entree of a tasting plate – it looked good and I think I could almost smell it. I am loathe to make this comment but what the hell is with the frangipani overload? Please someone remind them that less is more before I throw up!

The entree did really look good and I would have inhaled it – four types of fresh seafood – all nicely prepared and kept with the essence of the seafood leading and everything else dancing in time. I think they did okay there but am over those bitchy South Australians and their caustic comments. Rude people, rude!

The lamb looked like it was in the oven for ever and then thrown from the other side of the room onto the plate. I think a simple sauce or jus might have helped soak up some of that rice – a few slow roasted cherry tomatoes just will not cut it ladies. Think about flavour and texture combinations next time.

Dessert was a disaster and for them to have been scored a 7 by each judge is a travesty of diabolical proportions – Pete and Manu – it had split!!! Rule number 1 with a gelatinised dessert – don’t let the bugger split! You can dress up a something but if it is not right, it is still a bloody something. A slurp of fresh fruit and a dollop of sabayon do not a dessert make.

Back to the bitchy South Australians again. They are so nasty I almost like them and god only knows what the hell sort of theatre restaurant event they are going to try and pull off with their ‘themed’ dinner parties. Looking at both of them, Witches in Britches comes to mind.

Tomorrow night I am waiting for that awful man from WA to cock up – the forward promos show that he is clearly going to lose the plot and with the snide comments made to his partner tonight, I reckon he looks like a complete asshole. I doubt I will be dissuaded on that idea tomorrow night.

This is still lightweight television really and I am looking forward to this first round being over so we might see some real challenges and less bloody ordinary suburban food. Pray that it happens sooner rather than later please.

I need a lie down – and a banana paddle pop.

If Seven really wants to get this right and challenge Master Chef, I hope like stink that they will get it right soon before I am tempted to hurt myself whilst watching it.

Red Bennies

Hmmm I love a new bar as much as the next person, so much so that I try to attend as many as I can, often at the detriment of my innards.

I was at Red Bennies in South Yarra for a pre open event. It was fine but there were teething problems - no eftpos, only one white and one red available, and some rather uncomfortable garden furniture.... but it was a pre open and it was fun.

Perchance I was back again late last week, and this place has a lot to learn. The venue opens at 7pm and my birthday celebrating friend arrived with members of her family at the alotted time - some of whom had travelled from Perth to join her. The sound check was happening, people playing trumpets through to 8pm when most of the guests had arrived... and the noise was a bit annoying. Soundcheck before opening time will usually keep the punters happy please.

The venue needs to determine if it is a performance space or if it is a bar - never the twain shall meet here! Performance artists need an audience and I am suprised that the owners of Red Bennies need to be informed of this. They themselves are of the performing ilk....

Asher Treleaven, one of the funniest guys in Melbourne was at the mic as MC - the sound was appalling, the local idiots looking for a new venue in which to be seen and get smashed were in by the drove, and performers could not be heard. Thankfully one of the best performances was visual and to be honest, a man hanging from a couple of ropes in not much more than a blessing and some old fishnets will always manage to capture my attention above any hubbub..... but again, the lack of attention paid was astounding.

The issue is the door policy, and again, I maintain that if you are going to be a performance space, be mindful of what trash is allowed in the door. The smoking section, which I am a fan of, was so full one could not move, and the interior was full of aforementioned cashed up bogans trying to be cool.

I will wait the obligatory 2-3 months before I venture back, particularly knowing that there will be another venue for the cashed up, ed hardy wearing, marlboro smoking, beer drinking suburbanites to move on to where they can carouse with similar individuals in a new habitat, where they can be seen and smashed with aplomb.

Red Bennies - you have so much potential - please dont let me down. Melbourne needs you but she doesnt need another venue who is not sure of what it wants to be, thus allowing itself to be persuaded by the masses. Performace spaces that are cool, hip and serving good wine are too few. Strike three, you are out!

Australian Dairy Industry Awards

I love a bit of cheese - this usually is the discussion around my musical tastes, my choice of dessert and most of my wardrobe.... cheese, cheese, cheese.

But then I have the luxury of a couple of glasses of fizz, whilst people I have never heard of get awards... and I clap like I am at the golf. Alla Wolf Tasker - the perfect MC given her passion for regional food and the artisan approach to making stuff. She is the chef/owner of the Lakehouse in Daylesford, and was awarded an AM for her services to food. Rightly deserved as well.

I wondered if I would be excited for categories of 'dairy' that were deserving of awards. I wasn't sure but then, I am a tart for an award show so in the spirit of it being Australia's Cheese Oscars, I got amongst it.

Sadly the winners were drawn from the usual bunch. The major players in the industry were rewarded for having the monopolies they have - National Foods, Fonterra and Bulla. But there were some nice surprises and I think the most gracious of the recipients was one of the two Grand Champion Fatty Poobah awards.

Gundowring Finest Ice cream is a small family operated business attached to a dairy farm in NE Victoria. They run a dairy farm and there are a few interested family members making ice cream. The Licorice ice cream was the winner and I think this is fantastic news given the lack of recognition for small producers. Snaps to them - they are deserving to say the least.

As for the cheese winner of the fatty Poobah awards for Grand Champion - this is like the gold logie with no Bert Newton - it went to Tasmania's Heritage Brand for their Red Square washed rind cheese. Stinky, gooey and all things cheesy goodness, but I would have awarded the trophy elsewhere. With no disrespect to the winners, I think we produce extraordinary cheese in tiny places with amazing results.... Maybe I am being parochial because I am from Victoria, who produce 75% of the nations dairy products.

Anyways, a great afternoon, some reasonable Aussie fizz, some lovely people and I am looking forward even more now to the Melbourne Food and Wine Festival where I can bump into even more lovely folk and wax lyrical about all things food.

In the meantime, The Wicked Brie is exceptional, Yarra Valley Dairy's Persian Fetta sublime, and Doonybrook's Pastorello to be sought out immediately.

Bring on the cheese, or as Peter Russel Clark once said, 'Where's the Cheese?'

My Kitchen Rules or does it?

So, two nights into one of the most hyped food programs going around, second only to Master Chef of course ... and what do I think?
Firstly it is heading the way of most reality programs with bitchy contestants and the added bonus of some Bogans from north of all east coast borders. I get frustrated when reality television sets up people to look bad and South Australia, you are looking real bad.

The first night – NSW offered their best, which was not so exciting for me. Steak and Mash with a few beans, some seared barramundi and a lime cheesecake. There is not much there that excites the palate or inspires.

Tonight, the boys from Victoria strutted their stuff. Now what a handsome pair to start with – and there is the age old question. Are they just housemates or am I just a pervy bugger?

Their menu was too starchy – risotto and pasta as the two feature courses. I like the idea of the lobster risotto but some truffle oil will never a truffle make. The flavour, the texture and the absolute decadence of the truffle can never be matched by oil that is inferior in all ways. Bad mistake fellas.

Then to pasta that wasn’t cooked properly. There are kids that know how to cook pasta whether it is home made or store bought. Its a simple equation that sadly really let them down.

Thanks Christ for chocolate cake – the way to most people’s hearts is by the humble cacao bean and the offerings it produces. But, not for me. However, a total saving grace as it was put together beautifully. I am not convinced these two will make it.

What comes next? A couple of middle aged sisters from Queensland who seem to be lacking a few graces and one can only imagine what they will serve. The frangipani flowers behind the ears in the trailer are enough to make me very scared for next Monday.

Then there is WA – a state and people I am quite fond of. I am not fond, however, of the pair of teachers who seem to think that there is a certain solar presence emanating from somewhere in the downstairs department.

Now.... South Australia. If ever I saw a pair of trumped up, self obsessed wankers, that award goes to this pair. He appears to be a snotty little queen (and being a gay man, I have met on or two of those). The female of the pair strike me as a complete bitch. There, I said it.

I am sure I will get sucked into this show because I know that if there is food on the box, I will watch it. But as Pete Evans has suggested on tonight’s show, they need to aim a little higher.

To date it is ordinary television, infused with some particularly cheesy music to build drama, of which there is none.